One Year Later

One year ago today we had to say goodbye to our sweet dog, Murphy. He had been fighting a cancer of the bone that was slowly destroying his shoulder, leaving him in a lot of pain and unable to run or play freely. It was one of the hardest days that I have ever experienced and not one I expect I will forget.

Losing Murphy was so much harder than I had expected. Don't get me wrong, I knew that I loved my dog. I just didn't even realize how big a part of my life he was. We got Murphy almost eight months after we moved to Murfreesboro. He had been part of our life for six years. It seems like such a short amount of time to mark the entirety of his existence, but those six years were so full of very special memories. He was a constant fixture in our story, a white and black blur that pops up in home videos and pictures and stories that make us smile.

After he was gone I thought my heart was physically breaking within my chest. I remember so many nights I stood in the shower letting the sound of the water mask the sound of my crying. I would walk through the house and instinctively peek out the window looking for him. He belonged out there underneath the pecan tree, barking at some squirrel. I would open the back door and listen for the sound of his toenails on the driveway as he would come around the corner. Sometimes I would swear that I saw him from the corner of my eye. I would pull in the driveway and slow down, looking for that wagging tail to lead me to my spot. Even now I can still feel the curve of his soft head under my hand, see his big goofy tongue lolling about.

 The pain gets easier with time. Moving to Illinois probably helped; I don't expect him to be here. It's hard though, knowing there is this whole new chapter of your life that he isn't a part of. A whole new group of people in your life that didn't have the privilege of knowing your crazy dog. It still hits me from time to time and I find myself crying, but those days are much fewer and farther between. Mostly I smile, when he pops up unexpectedly in some pictures or Josh and I think of some silly story that begins, "Remember that time Murphy... "

So in case you are one of those new people in my life, we used to have a dog. His name was Murphy. He had the softest fur and the best tail wag. It would bend his body almost in half with his excitement. He loved to run, chase squirrels, eat french fries from McDonalds and to have his belly rubbed. He was a rascal. And we loved him as best we knew how.

Catching Up is Hard to Do

There reaches a point when you're keeping a journal or a diary or, as it turns out, a blog that you are so far behind you don't even want to try to catch up. It's the reason why I have boxes of old journals from my childhood, most of them half-full as I eventually got so far behind I gave up and started over. The difference is with a journal you can go out and buy a pretty new journal with fresh, crisp pages and begin again. It's not quite as easy with a blog. So here I am, going to do my best to sum up what has happened over the last two, er, almost three months in our lives.

The big thing I missed... Christmas! *gasp* How could I? I know my parents certainly noticed, because they were the ones who spent Christmas with us this year and I didn't even mention it. What kind of daughter am I? The truth is we had a wonderful first Christmas here in Illinois. Christmas morning was pure chaos. It turns out that when you combine Christmases with all of your family into one big gift opening on Christmas morning, it is like a marathon event and takes HOURS. Which is difficult when Christmas also falls on Sunday and you have church. Nevertheless we opened presents, getting thoroughly spoiled, and made it to the church on time.

Church was very special for me, not just because it was unique to get to be in church on Christmas morning but because of the role my family played. My Mom played the piano and my Dad led worship on Christmas morning, filling in for church staff who were out of town. Combined with Josh's teaching my heart felt full as I celebrated the birth of our Savior with my family.

After church we went and had a surprisingly delicious lunch at Ihop and then hit the road. Josh and I surprised the boys for Christmas with a trip to Great Wolf Lodge in the Wisconsin Dells. It was a blast. It started when we stopped at the welcome center in Illinois to about six inches of snow on the ground. We spent two days swimming and playing and having a great time while it snowed outside. If you've never been, I highly recommend it. My boys are not swimmers and they are not tall enough for the big slides but they never got bored and never ran out of things to do. Having Mom and Dad there meant we were also able to do a few of the grown-up rides, which was nice. Everyone slept hard and the boys have already asked when we can go back.

That pretty much sums up Christmas. The truth is when I think back on January the only things I can think of are 1. I don't think I ever saw the sun, and 2. Sickness. January was cold but not too cold and didn't have the snow I was kind of expecting. But it was certainly gray and dark. And full of germs, apparently, because in one night Clark and Lance both came down with a stomach virus. It was a LONG night with lots of throwing up, lots of sheets being changed, and not a lot of sleep. It lasted for a good twenty-four hours and it took days before the laundry had all been done and the house felt sanitized. I thought we had it beat but the next week I got it. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. It was awful. That's all I am going to say.

So far in February we have gotten a little bit of snow, which was fun, and also had temperatures up in the 60's and 70's for a few days, which is deceiving me into thinking it is time for Spring. We've enjoyed playing outside and taking advantage of the warmer days. The biggest thing you should know is that my children have gone to the Dark Side. It's been nothing but Star Wars lately, and I have had a lot to learn in a short amount of time.

So, how have YOU been?

Resolutions

Does anybody make New Year's Resolutions anymore? It seems like the idea has become something of a cliche, a chance to poke fun at goals that you make knowing it will never happen. I personally like the idea. I love goals and to-do lists. I especially love the idea of a fresh start, a new year full of possibilities. The chance that the year might become something more than I imagined. That this might be the year I accomplish the things I think about but never actually believe I can do.

Last year one of my resolutions was to read my Bible every day. I decided to follow a plan to read my Bible through in one year. This is something I have started so many times in my life but that I cannot recall ever actually completing. I resolved that this year would be different.

Well, that didn't happen. 

I find that the best time for me to read my Bible is before bed. During the day there just isn't much time when I can read, particularly without being interrupted. When I'm reading my Bible I prefer to do it at a time when it is quiet and I can focus. Plus, reading my Bible before bed seems to put me in a good frame of mind to fall asleep. The only problem with this is that some nights I am so tired I cannot stay awake to read. This has happened on several occasions. I also lost some time during the move process earlier this year. It was just hectic. I also spent several weeks this summer and again this fall in a women's Bible study so there were days when I would be doing a different study than my Bible reading plan. All of these factors meant that as I neared the end of the year I was too far behind on the plan to ever catch up. I was not going to be able to finish reading through the Bible in 2016.

As I thought about it, though, I realized that for probably the first time I was not disappointed in myself. How many times have we made resolutions, failed to maintain them for more than a few weeks, and felt disappointed in ourselves? It can make you feel like a failure. Like you are incapable of discipline. Willpower. Self-control. Whatever it is that you need to accomplish your goals. I think that's probably why so many people don't even bother to make resolutions in the first place. I have felt that way. Which is why I was surprised that I didn't feel disappointed in myself when I looked at my reading plan and saw the unchecked boxes, a visual reminder that I had not completed my goal.

The more I thought about it, I realized that God had been teaching me something this year, and not just through the words on the pages. He was using the process itself. It would have been easy for me at any point to say, "Well, I messed up. I didn't read my Bible today. That resolution is ruined." But I didn't. I kept reading - sometimes doubling up my days to catch up. I could have realized, "There is no way I can finish this plan this year. I'm not going to be able to finish. Why keep going?" But I didn't. I kept reading.

God was teaching me how to show myself some grace.

We are all imperfect people. There is no way we are going to be able to do everything the way we plan. Whatever your resolutions may be, whether it's to read your Bible each day, to lose weight, to give up smoking, to be more patient with your children, whatever it may be you are inevitably going to have days when you fail. Sometimes miserably. When you're too tired to read one day. When you give in to a craving for a cheeseburger or skip your workout to watch TV. When your children push all the right buttons and you find yourself yelling. Again. What matters though is not that you failed. What matters is what you do with that failure. Do you allow it to beat you? To defeat you? Do you throw in the towel and give up? That has been my mentality too many times to count.

There is a quote that I love from the story Anne of Green Gables by L.M. Montgomery. In it Ms. Stacy says, "Tomorrow is always fresh with no mistakes in it." I love that idea. It's like your own personal New Year, each and every day. You can get up and try again. Yesterday's failings are in the past. How are you going to do this day?

I learned some of this mentality this year without even realizing it. Now when I look at my Bible reading plan I do not see that I am three months behind. I see that this year I have read three-quarters of the Bible. That's amazing! I'm reading books that I have not read regularly and growing in my understanding of the Bible as a complete story. When I have days that I am too tired to read, I show myself some grace and pick up again the next day where I left off. I AM going to finish reading the Bible through this year.

I hope that this can be an encouragement to you. Don't be afraid to set goals for yourself. And don't be afraid to fail. It's going to happen at some point. Resolve ahead of time that you will not let those failures define you. That you'll be prepared for them - and that you will keep moving forward, each new day at a time.